How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
