I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
