having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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