i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
