remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
