Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
