You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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