I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
What a dumb baby whore.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
