I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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