I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
And then he peed in my hair
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
