You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
ttyl tear gas
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
There are leaves in my underwear?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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