She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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