before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
