I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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