i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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