I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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