the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
