Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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