Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
