I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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