Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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