I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
