forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
