Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
