I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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