Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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