either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
