i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
