I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
