You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
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