You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
