everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
