You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
