I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Randomize
