I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize