dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
