Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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