Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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