I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
