do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
