Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
smell my finger.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
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