Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
