Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
