you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
