DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
