I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
