i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
