i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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