I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
