I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
