I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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