mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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