remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize