Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Houston, we have a squirter
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
