Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
