I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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