Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize