I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize