I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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